The Texanist

Is it legal to be buried on my own property?

Illustration by Jack Unruh

Q: My wife and I are working towards finally buying some Property in Washington County to retire on and have a place for the kids and grandkids to come and enjoy the simple life on occasion. I would like to know if it is legal, when the time comes to pass on that great pasture in the sky, for us to be buried on our own property. Do we need a special license? M. Cermak, Ackerly

Q: My neighborhood has been absolutely crazy with grackles in the evenings lately, and they're driving me nuts. They're loud and very messy, if you get my drift. I do not think I'm allowed to shoot at them, but I'm seriously considering it. How can I rid my yard of this nightly nuisance? Carly Ballard, San Antonio

The Texanist

Q: How can I get my thirteen-year-old daughter to have an appreciation for the classic country music that her mother and I love so much? Currently she listens only to Top 40 bubblegum pop, which irks me a little bit more than it probably should. Please help, as I fear she could be causing permanent damage with her musical choices. Name Withheld, Lubbock

A: Here is a yarn as old as four-four time itself. But look, the fact is, the Texanist is not a wizard. He gets paid to help folks out with his signature "fine advice" -he can not undo the natural way of the universe. How, you ask, can you get your thirteen-year-old Bieber-obsessed daughter to have an appreciation for the classic country music that her mother and you love so much? You might as well ask how you can consume the pot of beans and not emit gas. The Texanist is sorry he can not help, but there are two things he does: tapioca pudding (it's a long story-childhood overindulgence) and miracles. Buddy Holly, Mac Davis, and Natalie Maines have called it home, among many others-and you think that this can not bode. For your daughter's music-appreciation horizons, the Lubbock school is bound to rub off on her along the way. The Texanist can only suggest, for her own pleasure and the slight chance of an osmotic effect on the girl, a heavy rotation of Ray Price, George Jones, Don Williams, and Jeannie C. Riley. Additionally, there's always prayer.

Q: I once thought that I would live in this great republic my whole life, but lately I can not help but wonder how the rest of the world lives. I think I might like to hang my hat in another place for a few years just to see. Where do you suggest I do this? Earnie Solomon, Conroe

THE TEXANIST'S LITTLE-KNOWN FACT OF THE MONTH: The Texas Department of Transportation nurtures our population of picturesque roadside wildflowers, bluebonnets included, by annually sowing some fifteen tons of seed over the 800,000 acres of right -of-way under its care.

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  • Adam Floyd